‘’Do you still love me?’’ she asked quietly while looking down on her pale hands that were folding each other nervously. There was a short pause before he answered, and she did not dare to look at him to see why his answer did not come immediately. After a few lingering seconds, he answered her question.
‘’I’m actually not really sure’’ was his faint answer. She looked at him and tried to keep the emotions at bay as his oh-so-blue eyes met hers.
‘’Then I guess it’s time we break up’’ she stated with a heavy lump in her throat, making it difficult to speak.
‘’Yeah, I guess so’’ he said simply. She got up and left quickly after they said their goodbyes. It was awkward. Awkward and sad. It was awkward because a three year long love story between these two people had just ended and they would have to go back to being strangers to each other. From lovers to strangers with memories. What were they going to do now? They had been such a big part of each others lives for three years. Could they just let each other go, just like that? Although it is what you have to do. They could not text each other every night anymore to ask how their day had been or to ask how the projects in school were going. Or say how much they miss each other. The kisses, hugs, the jokes, the conversations they had and the intimacy between them was gone in less than five minutes. They were not a couple anymore and had to adapt to being themselves without a partner they know will love and support them always. They had to let each other go. After all, it is called a breakup.
Wet. Everything is wet. Her face, her hair, her clothes and her pillow are wet. The tears are everywhere, the pain is everywhere. There had been so much crying all day and it never stopped. It was like the tears never wanted to stop streaming down her face onto her neck and pillow. The ache in her chest that had started earlier had grown and it now felt like someone was pulling all her insides, twisting them painfully. She tried holding everything together to end the hurt by hugging her stomach and chest, but it failed to work. The pain was determined to stay. She is still trying to numb the pain by holding herself, determined that it will help sooner or later. It won’t. She cries and cries until her mind and body are both too tired to continue and she falls asleep from exhaustion. She drifts off to a numb, dreamless sleep. Her tears start drying up only to make her hair and pillow hardened from the salt and her face swollen, red and sensitive. There is no pain in sleep. There is only a soothing nothingness to keep the pain and hurt away for only so long.
Waking up. That moment when you just wake up from a long sleep and you are blissfully unaware of everything going on outside of just that moment. All of the hurt and sorrow and all the world’s problems, in that moment right after sleep, none of it exists. And then the moment is gone. Merely a second passes until she opens her eyes and everything comes flooding back to her. The twisting pain inside her, the feeling of emptiness in her heart and the stinging in her eyes from all the crying. One thing that does not come crashing back is the tears. It feels like there are no more tears left in her body to let out. So she gets up, feeling the hunger growling in her stomach. She feels weak, her legs shaking a little as she walks and feeling like she has to sit down soon. Maybe it is just because she needs to eat. But nothing goes down. The yoghurt gets stuck at the back of her mouth and in her throat as she tries to swallow. She wants to throw up. The feeling of wanting to puke quickly degrades as she puts down the spoon and leans back in the chair. She cannot even eat without him. She feels weak. She has to lie down or she will faint. Lie down. She is shaking and she is hungry and she is heartbroken. Shaking, feeling weak and nausea are all symptoms of a broken heart.
Time will pass. They say time can heal all wounds. She will start eating again, she will run out of tears to cry and she will be able to sleep without crying herself to sleep. The pain she feels in her chest and throughout her body will slowly dim out into emptiness. She will smile again, she will laugh again, and it will not be because he made her smile. It will be because she is happy. She will accept that it is over between them, accept that she is on her own now. She will be okay with that. She will learn to live without him and she will know that she can be completely happy without him in her life.
Skriven av Emma Koski